ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
