seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
