I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
