Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
