I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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