he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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