I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
bring money and cleavage
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
