Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Randomize
