did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
