I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
