She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Just took my morning after pill in the library
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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