Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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