we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
