he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
