I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
