I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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