fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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