I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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