and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
