The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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