So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
