My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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