new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
pray to the hookup gods
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
