Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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