Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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