it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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