I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
