I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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