I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
