If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is classic penis vs brain.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
