the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
