dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
