just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
