oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
this just has baby written all over it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
