If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
