I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
