I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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