Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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