when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
