Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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