what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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