based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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