Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize