But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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