cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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