bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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