So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
His nipple licking is glorious
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