Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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