some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
