my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
