had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
