he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Congratulations! We have a period
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
