One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
