I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
