my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
