You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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