You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
