Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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