i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
